Monday, 10 August 2009


Well, at last we arrive at my favourite topic: MEN. I think my whole life is dedicated to the study of these specimens (look, even specimens has the word 'men' inside it. Coincidence? I don't think so). Yesterday I met with Charley and we talked of her lover, and we talked of relationships, and we talked of men. For her, the lover was a good man but he didn't want to live with her, he didn't want children. He didn't want other women, I don't think so. He wanted to remain free of commitment. Poor Charley. She loved him a lot actually but we agreed that she has been waiting 18 months for him to changer his mind, and he won't do it. So then, as therapie, we drank some more (Charley pastis of course! Oh we laughed at the silly waiters), and we thought about the different kinds of men. By Sunday morning we decided there were three types:

1) The proprietor. This is a man who succeeds. He owns things. He wants to make the decisions. He is logical. He likes money and unemotional women and quiet children.

2) The farmer. This man is of the earth. He's a bricoleur (handy man in the house?) and normally has a strong body although he often likes television and fried food too much and so grows fat when he's older. He likes women with generous decolletage who are great cooks. He is loud and can be quite embarrasing in public. When they have children they see this is proof that they are a real man.

3) The createur. This man is like air. He is everywhere and in his mind he is still a child playing at life like it is a story. They don't eat so well but can be charming like flowers and sunsets. Createurs are very attracted to women who are difficult because she becomes a challenge in their story and a muse. They like children but don't understand the responsibility. They think the child is a toy.

Then this afternoon I was sitting in a cafe and thinking about this list - and really it's so short. So I started writing and I found more types of men. There is (4) Papa Noel. This man is kind and generous and caring, like an uncle who adores children and cares for small birds and grows his own vegetables but remains modest. This man is the boy next door who has grown up. He only loves woman who are caring, like nurses, and gentle like feathers. His women are quiet and make great puddings from summer fruits. Also there is (5) The Lion, a man who is always charismatic and in the stage light, like actors yes and rock stars but also flamboyant politicians (Sarkosy, a little, Berlusconi, completement). This man sometimes forgets that he is a man and thinks he is a personality. He needs a beautiful woman to show to the world but who won't give him her shadow.

So then I was thinking, perhaps I have them all. But, how crazy! I forget (6) The Gigolo. This man is exquisite. A good Gigolo is a man who knows you know he is a Gigolo and yet you can't resist it and he knows you can't resist it. And the best Gigolos make you feel great about yourself even though you know you've been too weak to resist him even though you know he is a Gigolo. They are the best. And this man can be rich or poor but he adores women, and that makes us feel like a Goddess, and that is worth the sadness when he moves along to his next encounter.

And so there my list stops. I have six types of men. I thought may be it would be good to have seven - one for each day of the week but my mind is filled with ideas of these categories and my lovers who match them. How fascinating, really. I'm not sure that I have a best category. I think all has some benefits. And also of course men can have qualities from each area.

Anyway, I may be going on a holiday soon. Paris is so empty in August except for the tourists of course. Charley is going to Switzerland soon and asks if I like to come along. How great. Cuckoo clocks and chocolate and mountain air. We talk this week to confirm everthing. I tell you more then. Goodnight. What a great weekend, Lzb

WHAT type of man are you always dating that is bad for your happiness? Tell me and I think of another category for you

Saturday, 8 August 2009

Seule, amie, pastis!

Well, you know that David the plumber's son changed his plans today? Now, instead, I have an afternoon appointment with a great friend. Charley is an English friend here in Paris and she's so much fun. I like living in a big city like Paris because you can meet people from all over the world and each country really has it's own nature and you can experience this through the people. And so, Charley called me just now and asks me if I want to spend the afternoon with her. She has just separated from her lover this week and is a little sad and wants my company. Now I'm happy that David is cancelling our meeting. One of the funny things about spending time with Charley is that she drinks pastis and it upsets all the waiters in Paris! Really! In France it is only women in the south who drink this, not the 'sophisticated' women in the north. I find this such a funny rule and yet I can't order it because I know this is the rule. And anyway, I don't like it so much. Lzb

DO you forget your friends when you are with a new lover? Do you think this is alright? Do your friends like this behaviour? Tell me and I will tell the world for you.

Object Love

Oh I heard the funniest thing today on the news. It's an American woman who is marrying a ride in the fair! I think it is important for women to have objects that are helpful in the bedroom, you know, but a fairground ride?! That's quite a big object, and what a sexual appetite this woman must have do you think? But the thrill will always be over so quickly... And so predicatable too, each time just like the last time. In the story it says that she keeps the spare nuts and bolts of the ride in her handbag so she feels close to it. Oh yes! I know some married women who do this to their husbands!

Last year another woman married the Eiffel Tower. I can't understand this at all. Yes it is phallic - but cold metal, that's not so sensuous is it. And it can't buy you dinner. Or telephone you. Lzb

IS your boyfriend less exciting than a lump of metal? Tell me why and I will offer advice for you to melt his cold heart (I'm like a poet do you think?)

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Deirdre's plan - could it cost her Mr P's leek?!

Do you think so?

IF you find that you have an inattentive lover, tell me and I will see if you may changer your behaviour - or your lover instead! I'm quite busy today but tomorrow I can answer, ca va.

Hot water! Hot date!

Wow. First I have, how you say - a draught? When there is too few men? No - it's something like this... drught or drought maybe? Anyway, you know it I'm sure. Then suddenly I have a queue! Today the plumber came, and I can find this quite hard to face because before my father went a little mad and disappeared he was a plumber and the pipes and boiler and toilettes were always perfect. So when someone else comes to fix it, I feel a bit strange. And so today Felix the plumber came along in the afternoon. The last time I saw him was maybe four years ago. Anyway, today he brought his son. Oh my! What a beautiful man. He's tall and slender but a face like a model, great huge eyes and these incredible cheek bones and a small chin. Quite something. And so I was flirting with him a little - just joking because he's Felix's son - but he flirted back, and with such confidence too. Oh my. And he can't be more than 28 or 29 or something. Well while we were talking, the three of us, David asked me if he could buy me lunch on Saturday. And you know Felix laughed and said his son was an impudent boy - but I couldn't help myself but say yes. His self-assurance is something else. You know I consulted my astrology this week but it didn't say that my life will be raining men. Do you think they really can know what is going to happen? Lzb

DO you worry about what you can talk about with a man on your first date? Email me your thoughts and I can tell you if it's a good or bad idee!

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Choo Choo!

Oh darling! What fun I have been having! Oh gosh, I'm so exhausted from laughing. On Friday my great friend Robert called me and said his Aunt was having a party, would I like to go, because his Aunt had met my aquaintance when she was in Paris last year and we had been such great friends. She's quite old you know, but has such an incredible spirit - and she loves men! Oh my! It was to be a masked dance - can you believe?! How my heart sang when he told me! His current lover was terribly poorly so he asked if I would like to come instead... that day! How lucky for me that she has eaten some bad chicken, isn't it? Anyway, his Aunt lives in the south so we had to get the train that afternoon. It's so long since I went on the train. Aren't they great? All the people were so friendly. Even our cafe was served in small paper cups. I love it when things are different! Please try the train. It's great. I will go again on the train as soon as I can. When we arrived at the house, which was huge by the way, no, really enormous like a palace, there were already about 30 guests staying there and they were all drunk and dancing even though the party wasn't until the next night. On the Saturday we all went to the beach. Oh my! All of us sitting in the open air having drinks and lunch in bathing costumes and light dresses. I loved it. But I haven't told you about my costume! Well, because Nicole couldn't come, Robert had brought her outfit for me to wear. But we aren't the same size at all. She's quite tall and proud. No, not proud, broad. So his Aunt came in and saw that I looked like a child in her mother's clothes, and then she brought a maid to alter the costume. I felt like a queen. And, it was beautiful! It was peacock feathers at the back making an enormous tail that was standing up. Then it was a corset of emerald green and cobalt blue with some very small culottes. And the mask was the same peacock feathers with ruby stones - no! Not true rubies. I think glass! It was an incredible creation. And so many people were wearing something this colourful. It was one of the most magnicifent parties I have attended in so many years. There was a band there of six musicians and Robert's Aunt was wearing a red bodice made of giant sequins and her mask was like flames created in sequences and jewels. And she is 70 or more years old. Aw, what a great woman! Anyway, I was dancing with everyone there, and there was a man who watched me. I asked Robert who this is because I don't want to seek out the lover of his Aunt for example! Robert said this man had been an important contact of his late Uncle, and had been known as 'the shadow' because he used to travel around the world for his Uncle 'hiding problems'. This is what Robert said. I asked what problemes and he said, business affairs, and that I shouldn't ask any more. So I asked some more and Robert looked cross and told me to stop it! Oh the mystery! But really, I don't care about the buisiness problems. The man was standing proud like a dancer in his black jacket and black mask and I just wanted to know if he was there alone. And because he was alone, of course I went and stood near to him and waited. And waited. And then in a quiet voice he asked me my name - and I knew I would have him that night. Oh the party, and the loving with this man outside in the night in the garden and then later in my room, it was like a dream, and when I woke up yesterday morning he had vanished. A mysterious shadow! Parfait! A dream lover indeed. When I came downstairs in the late morning, the house was already tidy. Oh gosh to have people to clean after a party! Robert's Aunt was wide awake like a young girl and was so happy that I'd found such an intriguing lover at the party. We had some cafe in the garden and she told me, "The story is that he was a mercenary for hire. When he was younger he was working abroad and his wife was killed during the conflict. In spite of the emptiness and rage he must have, he has never loved again and never been heard to shout or lose his temper. He's a remarkable man, dear. I think you chose well. Now then, are you ready for mixed doubles at tennis? Don't play too well though. Robert is very competitive and will cry like a little boy if he loses." Oh what a memorable time! Oh what joy! Lzb

IS a probleme with a lover making you anxious and does it stop you sleeping in the night? Then tell me about it and maybe I can make suggestions

Thursday, 30 July 2009

More secrets!?

Badly Timed Brenda has sent in her probleme - she has a lover, but she is going away... should she tell him? Should she remain it a secret? What would you do?
DO you need to understand what your lover is really saying? Does he say one thing but then do something different? Email me this probleme and I will be your dictionaire!