Why can't I bear it?

Oh no! You won't believe this. The Irish man wasn't there... My poor heart! After all the preparation, and all the secret hope I had... I went to the hotel on Thursday and waited in the bar. I felt so excited, actually, which was so refreshing. When I didn't see him there I asked the concierge if he knew where he might be.

"He's gone madam," he told me. "He was here for 10 days and now he's gone."
"Will he come back?" I asked.
"We can't say," he shrugged. "He's been before, maybe he will come again." Then he looked at me, "He was a friend, madam?"
"I'd hoped it," I said.
The concierge was very sweet when really I must have seemed like a teenager. "We all liked him, madam. He was a gentleman."

And so that night I drank a lot (not there it was too expensive)! And then I came home and drank some more. Then yesterday I slept all day and wondered what I could do if anything. I'm not 15 years old. Why can't I bear it? It's crazy! Then today I went to see Denise a L'Etoile d'Or. It's a chocolate shop near here and I spent 40 euros on chocolates and yes, now I feel sick. And what is worse my heart doesn't feel any better. Comfort eating is a stupid expression isn't it? Tonight I am seeing Berty, the bald actor with the guinea pig. He is always such great fun. I hope he can lift my spirits. I feel like Francoise Hardy right now but not so pretty, or thin. Lzb

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I am a stalk (is this right?)

Very quick message tonight for you because I KNOW you will want to know that I saw him! You remember the man who bought the whisky for Lucky and I but disappeared? Well, tonight I was just stepping into a taxi and I close the door and there he was, on the other side of the road. At least I think it was him. It was a man and he looked like him - and this man was walking in the direction of the hotel , the one on the Champs Elysees where we had the whisky and Lucky thought it was poison. I felt so excited! I must think of a plan to wait in the hotel to see if I can see him and then talk to him before he vanishes like a magician again. Do I have shame? No, of course I don't. He's gorgeous. I think you call someone who does this a stalk. Is this because they stand behind plants to watch secretly for the other person? I love language. It's so difficult sometimes that it makes me wake up and feel alive! Lzb

Whisky in the Jarro

Oh my. What a great night. Tonight I met a friend near the Champs Elysees. The bars there are soooo riche. In some I think you have to wear diamonds before you can even clean their bathrooms, they are so particular. She's a maitresse, a mistress, of a very well known businessman. I will call her Lucky, not because she is a type of dog but because it is her pet name (Is this the same thing?). Anyway, the Man has an apartment just for her on the Ile de Cite which is so beautiful. It has three floors and giant wood beams in the ceiling. It's really something else out of this world. I asked her what it cost and we don't know. But her hourly fee must be sooo huge to cover it! Oh how we laughed at this thought. Lucky and I used to wait in these bars when we were younger for eligible men. Tonight, her 'landlord' was out of town with his wife and children so we went drinking like in the old days. Oh my. It was so funny to watch the younger girls who are so gauche and new. We met one in the powder room and gave her advice as if we were her Madame. She was very intelligent actually. I think she will do well. At about 1am we were sitting close to the bar and a man came over and in very funny French asked if he could offer us a drink. He was quite handsome actually. Naturellement we agreed. And then he paid the bar tender and left. When the bar tender brought us a glass each the smell was - oh my! Like something from the poubelle. What is this? laughed Lucky. Is this poison? The bar tender told us the man was Irish and that the drink was whisky. Lucky said she spent enough money on waxing without growing hairs on her chest too. I quite liked it though. I liked the man more. He was polite and restrained and that interested me. I wonder if he will be in Paris for a while.