Thursday, 30 July 2009

More secrets!?

Badly Timed Brenda has sent in her probleme - she has a lover, but she is going away... should she tell him? Should she remain it a secret? What would you do?
DO you need to understand what your lover is really saying? Does he say one thing but then do something different? Email me this probleme and I will be your dictionaire!

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Excitement is here!

Well, there's an expression 'be careful what you wish for' - do you have something like this in English? And so, this afternoon, I wished for excitement - and here it is already. First the bathroom light exploded with a big bang, and now I have a question about marriage and fidelity from the mistress. (And my boiler is still not working properly but that is a different link.)

Deirdre wants to tell the wife - I think that this is hopeless. The role of the mistress is mistressing not marrying the man. And you? What are your thoughts? This is such a great subject. Once I was having affairs with a married man and.. - wait the door bell is ringing. I call you later - no write here later - you know! Lzb! x

DO you have a terrible rash or condition that makes you afraid to go out? Tell me and I will tell everyone all the detail - and then the embarrassment goes away and people will recognise you in the street and be so happy that you have left your apartment and come out to enjoy the cafe! Email to me here

Monday, 27 July 2009

Excitement, where are you?

I feel so restless. Normally I have things that keep me occupied, even if it's sleeping, but today I am lost and every minute is an hour.

You'd think at my age I am grateful for time slowing down! Instead actually I feel most uncomfortable. I want for the excitement of my youth. I want to be dancing in the rain with some young man (I don't mind which as long as he is handsome), and to be singing in the bars with the old men watching me and wishing that they were young again. I want to have the dreams I had when I was younger, to see the world and make love to princes and be arrested for smoking hashesh where it wasn't allowed, and riding on horses through deserts and diving into the sea from sailing yachts with fishes swimming near my feets, and to wear long dresses and head scarves like an exotic creature drinking cocktails by a piscine and palm trees with the jetsons. No, not jetsons. Jet sets?

Instead of all these marvellous idees I am looking out of a small window at the street while a man with a huge stomach takes boxes from his van into the small marche on the corner. I think it's cherries or something - ah and this one is water, bottles of boring water. Even his boxes are boring.

I could go out to a cafe and see what the tourists are wearing. That's quite good fun in the summer. You can guess which nationalite they are sometimes because of what they wear on their feets. Yes. Shoes are a perfect discovery of somebody's nature. What are you wearing on your feets today? (For me I am wearing only nail paint.) Lzb

Do you need some help with something? Please I'm so bored, I would like to think about your probleme and tell you what I would do. You can email me here: and I will read, and think and then put a reply in the probleme section. D'accord. So email me. And then both our problemes will be over! Parfait! x

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Lazybird is on the Sunday Times in London! Yes!!

I saw a journalist here has some interesting things to say about French women - he thinks we are attractive and proud but I wonder how many he knows well, or if, like so many journalists, he likes just to put people in categories.

And so I wrote to him!


IS your boyfriend useless? Email your probleme and we will share it with the world:

Online's probleme - solved?

Is she getting a man - or wanting a mouse?!

ARE you wishing you can leave your lover but don't know how? Email your probleme and we will share it with the world:

The Cure

The Cure to a head that is bad from drinking is to not drink. This of course is poor advice if you already have the bad head. In my experience, for that you need sugar and salt and water. Try some bread dipped in salt and some sweet tea and tell me if that helps you. Actually, this would be a much better poll then the one I have here at the moment. I don't know why I want to know if you like cheese or Charlie Chaplin, really that isn't so importante. I think I was in a funny mood when I chose this and liked the sound. Let me know how you like these things that begin with 'chhuh'... and I will think of something much better for the next one I promise it! Lzb

ARE you single and looking for a lover but having trouble knowing how to find a good man? Email your probleme and we will share it with the world:

Thursday, 23 July 2009


The cork screw has broken. And this when I have had a day of rain and the boiler breaking. The rain is okay, you dry in the end you know. And the boiler? It's so old - older than me I think, and I sometimes break down amie. So I can't be angry about this for long.

But the cork screw?! Aagh! I will have to push in the cork with a knife like a student and I hate that. Lzb

IS your lover a great guy but maybe not so great at some importantes things? Email your probleme and we will share it with the world:

Saturday, 18 July 2009

Why can't I bear it?

Oh no! You won't believe this. The Irish man wasn't there... My poor heart! After all the preparation, and all the secret hope I had... I went to the hotel on Thursday and waited in the bar. I felt so excited, actually, which was so refreshing. When I didn't see him there I asked the concierge if he knew where he might be.

"He's gone madam," he told me. "He was here for 10 days and now he's gone."
"Will he come back?" I asked.
"We can't say," he shrugged. "He's been before, maybe he will come again." Then he looked at me, "He was a friend, madam?"
"I'd hoped it," I said.
The concierge was very sweet when really I must have seemed like a teenager. "We all liked him, madam. He was a gentleman."

And so that night I drank a lot (not there it was too expensive)! And then I came home and drank some more. Then yesterday I slept all day and wondered what I could do if anything. I'm not 15 years old. Why can't I bear it? It's crazy! Then today I went to see Denise a L'Etoile d'Or. It's a chocolate shop near here and I spent 40 euros on chocolates and yes, now I feel sick. And what is worse my heart doesn't feel any better. Comfort eating is a stupid expression isn't it? Tonight I am seeing Berty, the bald actor with the guinea pig. He is always such great fun. I hope he can lift my spirits. I feel like Francoise Hardy right now but not so pretty, or thin. Lzb

ARE you having a crisis of confidence and want some direct talking? Email your probleme and we will share it with the world:

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Catching men

Well, tonight is the night... maybe for love? I have my caramel and my eyebrows and my hair - which looks great actually. Alexi gave me a colour so my hairs are shining like a lake in the night. It's really beauty. I wish it was like this every day. I'm going to the hotel on the Champs Elysees at around 10pm to find the Irish man and ask why he likes to vanish and then ask what other magic he can show me. If he says he is with the circus, maybe I will run away on an elephant with him!

But first... we must ask, how much shall we do to find a man? Today Online Dating Virgin sent me a probleme. What do you think of online dating? Should she date a man with a monkey?! I can't wait to hear what you are thinking!

Maintenant, I'm going to get some wine and prepare for my adventure. (Should I bring peanuts in case of the elephant?)Lzb

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Caramel for the Irish man

I am beginning to make a plan for the Irish man. First I must look and feel great. Then I will go and find him. Today I had an appointment for my caramel. Here in France you can have your hairs removed with sweets! No! I am joking of course. Some of the beauty salons in France use something called 'caramel'. It is like soft chewing gum and it's just a little warm and they rub it over the skin to pull out the hairs without using paper or sheets. Do you have this? I prefer it to hot wax. It makes your skin so soft. Anyway, today I have been caramelled and I had my eyebrows shaped. Tomorrow I go for my hair cut. Then in time for the weekend I will be ready to drop my gloves beside the Irish man and make his acquaintance. Are you laughing..? I thought this was a good traditional method because he is Irish... No! I'm joking again! Drop my gloves!? You will believe everything. You're so funny! Lzb

Monday, 13 July 2009

I am a stalk (is this right?)

Very quick message tonight for you because I KNOW you will want to know that I saw him! You remember the man who bought the whisky for Lucky and I but disappeared? Well, tonight I was just stepping into a taxi and I close the door and there he was, on the other side of the road. At least I think it was him. It was a man and he looked like him - and this man was walking in the direction of the hotel , the one on the Champs Elysees where we had the whisky and Lucky thought it was poison. I felt so excited! I must think of a plan to wait in the hotel to see if I can see him and then talk to him before he vanishes like a magician again. Do I have shame? No, of course I don't. He's gorgeous. I think you call someone who does this a stalk. Is this because they stand behind plants to watch secretly for the other person? I love language. It's so difficult sometimes that it makes me wake up and feel alive! Lzb

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Whisky in the Jarro

Oh my. What a great night. Tonight I met a friend near the Champs Elysees. The bars there are soooo riche. In some I think you have to wear diamonds before you can even clean their bathrooms, they are so particular. She's a maitresse, a mistress, of a very well known businessman. I will call her Lucky, not because she is a type of dog but because it is her pet name (Is this the same thing?). Anyway, the Man has an apartment just for her on the Ile de Cite which is so beautiful. It has three floors and giant wood beams in the ceiling. It's really something else out of this world. I asked her what it cost and we don't know. But her hourly fee must be sooo huge to cover it! Oh how we laughed at this thought. Lucky and I used to wait in these bars when we were younger for eligible men. Tonight, her 'landlord' was out of town with his wife and children so we went drinking like in the old days. Oh my. It was so funny to watch the younger girls who are so gauche and new. We met one in the powder room and gave her advice as if we were her Madame. She was very intelligent actually. I think she will do well. At about 1am we were sitting close to the bar and a man came over and in very funny French asked if he could offer us a drink. He was quite handsome actually. Naturellement we agreed. And then he paid the bar tender and left. When the bar tender brought us a glass each the smell was - oh my! Like something from the poubelle. What is this? laughed Lucky. Is this poison? The bar tender told us the man was Irish and that the drink was whisky. Lucky said she spent enough money on waxing without growing hairs on her chest too. I quite liked it though. I liked the man more. He was polite and restrained and that interested me. I wonder if he will be in Paris for a while.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Shoe Troubles : Part I

Ow, my feet have killed me as you say. This afternoon I went out to see a friend who opened his new shop today. It's not a very usual shop - inside there are wigs, shoes, other peoples clothes, and house objets d'art, as well as many other things. I'm not sure it will be a great success but he is so proud of it. Well, I had to wear something special and so I choose some high heels that are really only for dinner or the bedroom. You don't want to walk the streets in these. (Can I say this?) Anyway I went to see the shop and it was a party of friends and not really for customers. Afterwards we went out nearby in the Marais to drink. It's always so much fun here. Then James, the proprietor, decided he wanted to dance so we went to a dance bar. Of course, I had been drinking champagne since the afternoon and so I forgot my tight shoes and I danced a lot. With everyone! Now I have to pay the cost! They are so painful. I think I've really hurt myself actually. I am going to put them inside a bucket of water. Normally I use fresh mint for my feet water but tonight I am fresh out. This is bad planning. I must remember to bring home some mint when I go out in these shoes again. Lzb